You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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