normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
A+ Viking dick
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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