I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
