had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
organizing the empties. That sober.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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