She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
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