i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
