She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
