The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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