You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
