I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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