i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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