the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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