There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
