yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
