just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
