My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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