Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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