Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think weed is turning my hair brown
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
