she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
3pm strippers are depressing
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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