i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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