I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
