Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
