you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
