If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
