I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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