those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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