I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
