So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
