i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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