Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize