dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
