what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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