doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
