And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
