Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
