my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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