he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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