Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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