Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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