Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
