I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
That reminds me...we need to get swords
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
