I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
