Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
