Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
