Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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