im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
