there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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