When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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