I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
