people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
