you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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