i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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