Sorry, I don't speak sober.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
