look no pants
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
