and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
