No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
