hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
