Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
