Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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