a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My dick has a subreddit
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
