butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
