So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
